Lily's Burden
by Emeraldbuttercup
Summary: Lily Evans has a heavy burden to bear. Her parents were murdered by Death Eaters last summer, and grief has warped her almost beyond recognition. Other feelings weigh her down as well- Severus Snape, once her best friend, has gone to the Dark side. With Lily ever remember how to love again? A continuation of FlammaLuna's 'Everything Changes' fan fiction.
1. Chapter 1

My hand trailed along the banister, the white wood smooth to my touch. I started my way down stairs cautiously. I knew what I would find down in the living room, yet I was drawn there anyway. Icy dread filled me as I reached the bottom of the stairs. Unwillingly I rounded the corner into the living room. There they were, lying on the ground. I had seen the same scene a thousand times before, engrave behind my eyelids. Looking at the lifeless bodies of my parents, I felt my heart being torn apart.

But something was different this time. Standing over the bodies was a hooded figure, its cloak as dark as night itself. A pale hand emerged from between the cloak's folds, its long fingers limply holding onto a slender wand. This wand was almost as familiar to me as my own wand was. It was unadorned, a rare trait among wands, straight and stark as a birch whip. The sight of it here sent shivers down my back. Horror engulfed me as I realized what this meant. A yelp of surprise escaped my lips, and the cloaked figure tensed. The fingers clutching the wand tightened, poised for action. The figure whirled about to face me, its inky cloak billowing out. Unable to help it, I looked up into the stranger's face. A half mask shaped like a grotesque skull covered most of his face: through the narrow eyeholes, his deep black eyes were visible. A tendril of glistening hair fell out of the hood. I reeled back, stunned. It was him, it had been him all along: Severus Snape had murdered my parents.

"Sev-" I whispered, waves of horror and betrayal engulfing me. Severus continued to stare at me, his normally kind eyes as hard as flint. I searched his face for any sign of remorse or shame, but there was no emotion betrayed in his thin lips or sallow cheeks. I staggered backward, away from this phantom of my old friend. Severus stepped over my mother's body, without sparing her empty shell a glance. He was raising his arm now, his wand pointing at me.  
"Severus-" I gasped, tears running down my face. I remembered the day we met, the hours we had spent side by side, our past conversations, the fight- all of it flashed through my mind as this shadow advanced, his wand pointed at my face. This was not the Severus I knew, this was a monster of mindless destruction and dark arts-  
"Come back to me!" I screamed at the skull possessed with my friend's eyes. There was a second when his eyes bore into mine, then I heard him whisper, his lips barely moving:  
"Avada Kedava."  
There was a flash of green light that filled my vision, I was weightless, and then, darkness. Screaming drummed through my head, the scream of a tortured animal, panicked and dying-

"Lily!"  
A faint voice could be heard over the screaming, scared and insistent.  
"Lily, open up! LILY!" I opened my eyes, sitting up suddenly as I was brought out of my slumber. I was safe in my four poster bed, the window facing the grounds dark. But still there was the horrible screeching, and the constant banging sound.  
" Are you all right? Lily, open this door, or I swear I'll break it down, Godric help me!" With a start, I realized the voice belonged to James. By the sound of it, it seemed he was half knocking, half breaking down my door. So where was the screaming coming from? In a moment of shock, I realized it was me. I was still screaming. I clamped my mouth shut, retching as I felt how torn my throat was. I had apparently been screaming on the top of my lungs for some time. I shuddered at the thought, coughing weakly. James continued banging on the door.  
"Confringo!"  
My door shook, but did not blast off from James's spell. Quickly, I got out of bed and hurried across the floor. Twisting the doorknob and flinging the door open, I was met by the sight of James, wand out, fists clenched, a bathrobe hastily put over his pajamas. When he saw me, he grabbed me the arm and pulled me away from my bedroom.  
"Wh-what the hell's wrong?" He gasped, staring wildly into my bedroom. "By the noise you were making, I thought someone was in there was performing the Cruciataus curse on you!"  
"No." I shuddered, trying in vain to pull away from James. His eyes were wild, his face pale. I couldn't find it in myself to meet his eyes.  
"Nightmare." I said, my voice hoarse and cracking. James's features seemed to soften a little.  
"I thought you stopped having them." He said accusingly. I brushed hair out of my face wearily.  
"I did stop having them. This was a different one."  
"Different?" James asked, his brow furrowing. "What do you mean, different? Was it about your parents?" I cringed.  
"I don't want to talk about it."  
"Why not? We've talked about it before." I thought about Severus coming at me, his wand pointed at me- a shiver racked my whole body. James seemed to notice it.  
"Here." He said gruffly, taking off his bathrobe and handing it to me. I thought about refusing it, but decided not to when I looked at the determined look in his eye. Quietly, I took the bathrobe from him and slipped it on.  
"Now, what was it? Get on with it." James crossed his arms resolutely, wand still in hand. If he heard that I had dreamed of Severus as the murderer of my parents, what would James think of him then? It was a nightmare, I chided myself. It means nothing. Still, it felt like something foreboding was breathing down my neck.  
"Please James. I don't want to talk about it yet." James was not deterred, however.  
"Why aren't you telling me?"  
"Why do you want to know so badly?"  
"Excuse me if I want to know why you are screaming like you're being murdered!" James said heatedly. "You can't just keep all of this inside you. Look at yourself! It's destroying you from the inside out!" Instantly I flared up.  
"You would do the same thing if your parents were killed right in front of you." I was shaking in rage now. Everyone wanted me to move on, to forget. They didn't understand that it was a part of me now, infecting myself so I would never be the again.  
"I understand-" James began, reaching out to me reassuringly. I batted his hands away.  
"No, you don't understand! No one can! I'm alone, can't you see that? I can battle these night terrors myself!"  
"Why don't you trust me?" James said, his voice low.  
"I can't trust anyone!" I shouted at him, and I turned and marched back into my bedroom, slamming the door behind me. James tried to follow, but the door had locked behind me. James started pounding on the door, calling for me to come back. I went to my bed, sitting on the edge and staring at the hands in my lap. I felt so confused- how I felt about Severus and the dark arts, about James trying to help me through everything, and about my parent's death. Confusing of all these problems was myself. I didn't want to forget. I couldn't just let go- I put my head in my hands, trying to block out James's calling.

"Lily! Lily, we aren't done yet, you can't just ignore-"

"Leave me alone, James!" I called back, running a hand through my limp and bedraggled hair. I couldn't remember the last time I had the will to brush it, the will to go on.

"We've talked before about your dreams." James continued doggedly. "And it helped for a while, didn't it? I can help you, so why do you always block me out?" His voice portrayed his hurt, even though I could not see him. "Well, I have news for you: you aren't alone. You never have been. You still have your friends and teachers, but you're too blind to see them. You're shutting yourself up somewhere we can't follow you. And I know I could help you, if you would just let me IN!" James resumed hammering on the door. Silent wet tears trickled down my face and down my chin. A hollow place in my chest seemed to expand until it hurt. I felt so confused, so empty. Finally I couldn't take it any longer.

"Leave me alone, James!" I yelled, my voice rich with sobs. James stopped knocking abruptly. I was ashamed that he knew I was crying now, but the thought passed and I decided I didn't care. James could think whatever he wanted about me. I continued to cry uncontrollably, not bothering to silence the the tears, but let them flow freely until my throat hurt and eyes stung. I cried for my parents, knowing I would never see them again, never able to tell them how much they meant to me. I cried for Severus, who I knew would never be the same sweet boy that had told me I was a witch. My dream had spooked me more than I could ever admit to. Severus was changing, and I wondered vaguely if he could be persuaded to murder. I also cried for myself, how lost I felt.

Hours later, I finally ran out of tears. My face was scrubbed red and raw, and I was half conscious for want of sleep. I fell onto the bed, my hysteria crippled by exhaustion. As I closed my eyes, I heard footsteps- footsteps retreating from my door. With dim surprise, I realized that James must have stood by the door the whole time, listening to my sobbing. I had rebuffed him, but he had stubbornly stood outside all the same. I would have thought about this more, had sleep not claimed me first.

* * *

The next day when I sat at the Gryffindor table for breakfast, I felt even more measly than usual. I stared down the table at the heaping piles of food, and only felt queasy. I shook my head and pushed my empty plate away- the mere thought of eating made me feel nauseous. Alice and Sophia weren't here yet, which I was glad for. I felt the need to be isolated, alone underneath the dark cloud over my head. I put my chin in my hands and stared vacantly at nothing in particular, my thoughts troubled. Across the Great Hall, I could make out Severus sitting at the Slytherin table, his back toward me. Lestrange and Rookwood sat on either side of him, all of them whispering together eagerly. A lump formed in my throat at the sight. Severus and I had used to sit in the library together, whispering questions about astronomy the same way.

"Morning, Lily." I looked across the table to see Remus sitting a short distance away. I relaxed; Remus had a calming, removed air around him, just seeing him made my more troubling thoughts melt away. Remus gave me a soft, knowing smile.

"Not eating either?" He asked, easing his way over. I nodded, and his eyes twinkled.

"I know the feeling. I couldn't eat anything either." His kind face did not completely mask his haggard look. Now that I looked closely, he looked almost as ill as I felt.I thought about asking him why he wasn't eating, then thought better of it. He had had the courtesy of not asking me, so I would return the favor. We sat there together, enjoying each others company. We idly talked about school, of the upcoming exams, anything but was bothering us. It was nice to be able to relax, but still, I could feel my dreams tugging on me like they were tethered to my mind. Both of us got up together to go to the first class of the day, Charms. We were already seated and class was starting when James ran in, his untidy hair even more unkempt than normal. Dark shadows were under his eyes, showing how little he had slept. Thinking back to yesterday night, I wasn't sure how to react to James. He cared, I knew that, but all I wanted was to be alone. Through the lesson I ignored him, though I could tell that he was trying to catch my eye.

After the lesson I knew I was beaten before I could even step out of the classroom. James hurried over to me, his billowing cloak reminding me horribly of Severus's cloak in my dream.

"We need to talk." He said pointedly, as Professor Flitwick cleaned off his desk at the front of the classroom.

"I have Transfiguration-" I knew it was a weak excuse, and James stopped me before I could even finish.

"You're going to have to listen to me sooner or later." It was a direct and effective statement, no witty comeback or pleading. I could see no way of arguing with that. He would continue to follow me until I heard what he had to say. I nodded glumly, then started. When I had nodded, a brief spell of dizziness had come over me. I shook it off and followed the determined James out of the classroom. He led me through the twisting corridors into an abandoned hallway on the fifth floor, then turned towards me, his brown eyes drilling into my emerald.

"Are you going to tell me what happened last night?" I reddened instantly.

"It doesn't concern you, James." I said, gently but insistently.

"Right, right." James said sarcastically. "In the middle of the night, I hear a bloodcurdling scream, and you say it's none of my business."

"It's not." I said. "I did scream, I'll admit it, but that's it. So drop it." I turned to leave, but James quickly blocked my way.

"You said it was the nightmare again."

"It wasn't the nightmare." I told him wearily.

"Then what was it?" James countered. I crossed my arms defiantly, and looked at him.

"You told me at the beginning of the year that you would stay out of my way."

"And I have, with this the only exception." I groaned.

"If you don't tell me, I'll tell Professor McGonagall what happened." James said coolly. I gaped at him.

"You- Little-" I stared at him, anger and embarrassment welling up inside me. My hands clenched, as though to strangle him. "How could you?" James shrugged.

"If that's the only way to get you to talk, I'll do it. There has to be a way to solve this, and McGonagall could help."

"You wouldn't!" I yelped, my head starting to pound.

"I'll do what I have to." James said somberly. "If you won't trust me enough to tell me what's going on-"

"Trust you? TRUST YOU?!" My voice was becoming shrill with panic. "How could you do this? Blackmail me? Do you know how embarrassing it would be if you told someone that I- how that-" I was temporarily lost for words, and James took advantage of the silence.

"It's nothing to be embarrassed about, Lily! I'm trying to fix the problem, not cause you grief! If we both talked to Professor McGonagall, maybe we could figure out a solution. Maybe a sleeping potion from Madam Pomfrey, or we could contact some of your relatives to take you in during the holidays." I shook my head vigorously, the pounding getting worse.

"It won't solve anything."

"I think it's worth a try anyway."

"James." I was pleading now. "James, you can't tell anyone. They can't understand. I've had to put up with people pitying me, I can't do that again." James stared at me.

"Then tell me what happened last night." I breathed in a shaky sigh. I didn't want to watch James's face when I told him about my dream with Severus. The two of them had always been rivals, only making a temporary truce recently. I was afraid that if I told James about my dream, it would reopen the wound. The dream had been horrible and terrifying, but it was a burden I had to carry on my own. Still, the other option seemed even worse. Everyone already stared at me skeletal frame as I went from classes, if news spread that Lily Evans was being haunted by flashbacks of the night her muggle parents died, I would become the freak of the school. The vision of a thousand eyes watching me, the sympathetic whispers and the lowered voices made me want to scream. I was cornered between a rock and a hard place, trapped with no hope of escape. I wanted to retreat, back into my bedroom, alone with my burden. I opened my mouth, unsure what I was going to tell James. I stared up at him, a word forming at the tip of my tongue.

"No." I gasped, backing up from him. My head filled with the constant pounding, drumming through my whole body. "I can't tell you, James. Even if I wanted to, I can't." James looked at me, his gaze sad but determined.

"Then I don't have a choice. I'm going to have to tell McGonagall." The world tilted suddenly, then straightened, making me feel seasick. I staggered to the side, but James didn't seem to notice. He was already heading down the corridor in search of McGonagall. A wave of nausea that had came to me at breakfast engulfed me for the second time that day. I felt light headed, the room was spinning;

"Lily?"

My knees buckled, and I crumpled to the stone floor. The pounding in my head reached its climax, and my eyesight started to wane. The last thing before I blacked out was arms scooping me off of the cold floor, a voice in my ear- and then all was still.

* * *

When I woke up, I was unsure where I was. The place seemed too white, too clean- ah. It was the Hospital Wing. I was resting on one of the beds lining the walls, warm sheets draped over me. I regretted waking up, it had been so peaceful for a short while. I closed my eyes again, willing myself to drift off again. I allowed my head to sink back into the pillow, enjoying the sensation.

"You are in so much trouble."

I started, blinking my eyes back open to see Alice's worried face floating above me. Her face was pinched and fretful. What had I done? I tried to remember. I had been in a corridor, talking- no, yelling at James Potter. Why had I been yelling? Oh. The dream, Severus murdering my parents... suddenly sleeping didn't seem as comforting anymore. I stared up at Alice, trying to recall why I was in trouble with her.

"What happened?" I asked, wrestling with the covers in an effort to sit up.

"You!" I realized Sophia was sitting on the other side of me, staring me down. Now I was really bemused. What had I done? Sophia must have seen the question in my eyes.

"Starving yourself?" She said bluntly, her hand taking mine. "By Merlin, Lily! We knew you were wasting away, but this is going too far!" Alice nodded in agreement.

"Look at yourself! Refusing to eat, to take care of yourself-" Alice looked ready to cry. I felt a pang of regret causing my friends such anxiety.

"I'm sorry-" I began, but Sophia interrupted.

"Why didn't you tell us what was going on? We could have helped!"

"I just didn't feel like eating, all right?" I said irritably.

"No, it is not alright!" Alice echoed incredulously. "You've been slowly starving yourself ever since you came back to Hogwarts! Don't try denying it, Sophia and I have been watching you."

"I'm sorry you guys were worried." I mumbled, shame causing me to blush. Alice flung her arms around me, smothering me into a fierce embrace.

"Lily, you still don't get it! Don't worry about us, worry about yourself!" She relinquished her hold, sitting at the foot of the bed and watching me, her eyes misty.

"You're going to have to start caring again." She said firmly. "You've been walking around the school like a zombie long enough."

"Madam Pomfrey said she'd have you healed in a couple of days." Sophia said, her eyes dangerously protective. "As soon as you're out of here, we're going to start helping you too. We'll make you back into the real Lily."

"We know this is your way of grieving." Alice interjected, her voice lowered and gentle. "But you can't just let yourself go."

"Not as long as we're here, anyway." Sophia growled. Both of them looked at me, as if daring me to argue. A lump seemed to form in my throat, so I just nodded. Alice toppled me in another hug, and Sophia joined in too. A warm feeling glowed from within me. I was glad that they were there for me.

A few hours later, I was already beginning to feel better. Madam Pomfrey had allowed me to take a quick shower, so now my hair was clinging wetly to the sides of my face, a dark red waterfall cascading down my back. I was wearing pajamas now, Madam Pomfrey had conjured them out of the air for me. They were soft and comfortable, and smelled of lavender. Curtains were now hanging around my bed to give me privacy, which I rather liked. It reminded me of the four poster in Head Girl's bedroom. Finally, here I was, in bed sipping on a Nourishing Concoction. It bubbled and steamed rather violently, and tasted sour, like liquefied lemons. My lips had begun turning a brilliant green as drank it, but Madam Pomfrey told me that was natural. I finally swallowed the last of it, puckering as the sourness faded from my taste buds. I felt better now, I had to admit- I didn't feel weak and lightheaded as I had before. I leaned back onto a tower of pillows, combing my hair for the first time in weeks. I heard the Hospital double doors creak open, but didn't pay any attention to this until Madam Pomfrey stuck her head between my curtains.

"Visitor here for you." She announced before disappearing. I was fighting against the sheets that bound me when James walked in. He sat down in the chair Alice had been residing in before and placed a stack of parchment on my bedside table. He looked at me expectantly.

"Madam Pomfrey told me that you haven't been eating." I just stared at him; it wasn't a question that he posed, but a statement. I sat cross legged on my bed and waited for him to speak again.

"You can't just let yourself go like this-"

"I know, I know." I said. "I heard the same thing from Alice and Sophia." James seem to relax a little.

"Good. And did you listen to them?"

"I guess." James nodded to the stack of parchment he had brought in.

"As Head boy, I was given the task of giving you your homework. I'll also be taking care of your Head duties."

"Sorry-" I started, knowing he would be swamped with all of the responsibility, but James interrupted.

"Don't worry about it. Just do yourself a favor and get well soon." James turned to leave.

"James?" I called after him, and he stopped and turned back.

"Thanks." I told him. "For bringing me up here."

"I couldn't very well leave you passed out on the floor." James remarked shrewdly. I opened my mouth to reply, but there was a loud creak as the Hospital Wing's doors opened again. I could here Madam Pomfrey's shoes click across the floor as she swooped in on the visitor.

"Good morning." Came a smooth, though slightly nervous voice from outside my curtains. I thought for a moment my heart stopped beating. I recognized that voice.

"Good morning." Madam Pomfrey replied tartly. "I trust you are well, Snape?"

"Yes, thank you." Severus said silkily. My eyes widened as my fears were confirmed. I got onto my knees and grabbed James's arm, yanking him next to me. He landed on the bed with a surprised exclamation, and looked at me curiously. I leaned forward and cupped my hands around his ear, whispering frantically.

"Tell them I can't see him!" I couldn't face Severus, not after my dream. I loathed to have to ask James to help me, but unless I wanted to confront Severus, it didn't seem like I had a choice. Ice cold dread chilled my insides. James looked at me, at first confused.

"What?" He hissed back at me. The conversation on the other side of the curtain drifted in.

"I hear Miss Evans was admitted today." Severus continued. James looked toward the curtain, clearly not understanding what was going on.

"Please, James!" I pleaded, grabbing his arm and squeezing it. His eyes locked onto my own, and they hardened as he realized how desperate I was.

"May I be permitted to see her?" Snape asked.

"Certainly." Madam Pomfrey said crisply. Their footsteps echoed as they walked closer. I scrambled underneath the covers and pretended to be asleep- James stood, his expression befuddled but determined- the curtains were pushed aside, and Snape entered. I closed my eyes and tried to even my breathing.

"You." Severus's voice turned venomous, the way it always did when he saw James. "What are you doing here?"

"Why are you here?" James growled above me.

"I asked you first." Severus sneered.

"Mr. Potter was bringing Miss Evans her homework. Weren't you, Potter?" Madam Pomfrey said, sensing trouble and trying to keep the peace.

"Yes ma'am." James replied. I could hear Severus hiss in discontent.

"Now it's your turn, Snape." James told Severus. "Why are you here?"

"To see Lily." Severus said curtly. "I heard that she was taken to the Hospital Wing."

"Why do you need her?"

"None of your business, Potter." Severus said, prisling.

"Boys!" Madam Pomfrey said. "Both of you, lower your voices! Can't you see poor Miss Evans is trying to rest?" There was a tense silence. "I'm going to go finish taking inventory. I expect you two gentlemen to behave when I'm gone. Understand?" There was a grumbled chorus from both boys, and I heard Madam Pomfrey's footsteps retreating. It was hard to resist the temptation to open my eyes, but I didn't dare. I imagined Severus standing over me, his eyes as cold a ruthless as they were in my dream. Then he would raise his wand... I was glad James was there, or else I might have fled. The air was thick, and I could tell their must be staring daggers at each other.

"What happened to her?" Severus asked after a moment. "All I heard was that she had collapsed: how?"

"She's been refusing to eat." James said, his voice tight and controlled. "She's been grieving all year. But surely you noticed that, Snape?"

"I have. It is horrible to watch her become so withdrawn, so distant." Severus's voice had lost its sharp edge. "It's unnatural to see her so depressed."

"You used to be friends." James said cautiously. "I never knew how close you two had been."

"We were, until you came along." Severus said. "But you just couldn't keep your mouth shut, could you James? You knew that she could never love you, but you pursued her anyway. If you hadn't been so entranced in yourself, you might have noticed you were hurting others."

"I never thought-"

"Of course you hadn't! And now you've broken something that cannot be fixed!"

"I never meant to cause harm." James's voice had shrunk to half its volume. "You'll notice I haven't bothered either of you since the fifth year."

"Then why are you here, with her?" Severus snarled. "Preparing to bombard her with love sonnets as soon as she wakes up?"

"I already told you, Snape, or can't you hear me? I'm done annoying Lily. She has enough on her mind. She doesn't need to deal with us."

"Us? I'm not the one fawning over her."

"Aren't you? Always slinking in her shadow, waiting for her to notice you-"

"Stop!" Severus spat, and I could hear him advancing on James. "You don't know anything. Anything! I don't know why I bother trying to get through that thick skull of yours. If you care what's good for Lily, you would leave her alone."

"I think you should leave, Snape." James intoned darkly.

"Why should I? I have as much right to see her as you do, Potter. You might think just because you can ride a broomstick you're better than the rest of us-"

"Will you stop that? I'm done with the childish teasing!"

"You're the childish one! Prove to me you're over Lily by leaving."

"I'm not leaving her with you." There was a swish of robes, the air was crackling- someone, maybe both boys, had drawn their wands.

"Out!" I could hear Madam Pomfrey's angry cry. Her footsteps thundered through the Hospitial Wing. "The nerve, squabbling like this! Miss Evans is trying to recover, and here you are, fighting while she's resting. For shame!" There was the noise of wands being placed back in robes.

"Out! The pair of you, or I'll call the headmaster!"

"Please ma'am." Severus begged, sounding a little out of breath. "I brought this for Miss Evans." Severus said, regaining his cool tone once more as he spoke to Madam Pomfrey. "May I leave it here for her?"

"Fine, but quickly! Just leave it on her bedside table." Severus's footsteps approached, and then paused.

"Get well, Lily." I heard him whisper close to me, his voice barely audible. My bedside table creaked, and then Severus walked away.

"Madam Pomfrey, Lily and I needed to talk about her homework."

"Later, Mr. Potter! Now, off with you! Shoo!" And both boys left, the double doors opening and closing. Madam Pomfrey walked around for a moment, mumbling under her breath about young wizards. When she left, I quickly opened my eyes, absorbing all that I had heard. There was so much to take in, so much to be sorted out, I was unsure where to start. Cautiously, I looked over at the bedside table. On the white surface lay a single daisy, its petals opening and closing like a clam. I used to enchant flowers like these before Hogwarts, on summer days when it was just Severus and I, alone in the woods. That had been before Petunia hated me, before James and his friends, long ago when the world was carefree and innocent. I placed the flower delicately in the palm of my hand, and stroked the moving petals. I sat up for a long time in bed with flower in hand, thinking.


	2. Chapter 2

It was late in the evening when James came back in, wearing his seeker's uniform and dripping with mud. I looked up from the Astrology homework I was doing as he approached.

"Game?" I asked.

"Just practice. Horrible weather right now, though." He stood next to the bed, and wiped his nose on his sleeve, smearing mud onto his face.

"So why did you need me to cover for you when Severus walked in? You looked scared when he came. Are you two fighting? Has he been bothering you?"

"No. Here, let me see your glasses. How can you see through those things?" James reluctantly took off his glasses and handed them to me. Dirt and grime speckled the lenses badly. I reached for my wand and tapped James's glasses. The siphoning charm cleaned them instantly, so that they shined in the bright light. I offered them back to him, which he hurriedly crammed back onto his nose.

"Thanks." He said, pushing the glasses higher on his nose. "Are you going to answer the question?" I sighed through my nose. My eyes drifted back to the flower that lay on my bedside table. James followed my gaze.

"Severus gave you that. I thought you guys hated each other now."

"You don't understand. So many things have happened since the day he called me a mudblood." James winced at the word.

"I'm sorry. . ." James started uncomfortably. "I caused so much friction between you. I was an idiot."

"Don't worry." I said dejectedly. "You weren't the root cause of our problem. He- I- we changed. What happened in the fifth year would have happened eventually. We could never-" A lump formed in my throat, and my sentence died. I looked down at the covers, blinking rapidly. Whenever I thought of Severus, I felt so unhinged. I wondered what his true feelings were, what mine were. One thing was certain however- I couldn't trust him. And it hurt, to give him the cold shoulder, but I knew deep down it was the right thing to do. He was different, no matter how I tried to convince myself otherwise. Nothing would ever be the same.

"Weather's taken a turn for the worst." James said, wiping mud off his shoes. I was sure that he was trying to fill in the silent chasm that had arose, but I was grateful all the same.

"I haven't noticed." I said, looking back up at James. "I haven't been outside in ages."

"Why not?" Asked James, frowning.

"Never in the right mood, I guess." I answered. James shrugged.

"Enough with this. You've been stalling. I know you're upset-"

"I'm not-"

"But are you going to tell me what happened that night?"

"You didn't tell McGonagall." I said abruptly. "You could have told her about my nightmare when I was passed out, but you didn't."

"I haven't yet." James said darkly, his face unreadable. "But I will, if you don't answer the question. What's so horrible you can't tell me about it?"

"Can't you see what a position you've put me in, James?" I hissed broodily. "I can tell you and let you go and have a laugh at me, or you tell McGonagall and become the freak of the school?"

"I wouldn't laugh." James said seriously.

"What would you do?" I asked wearily. James shrugged again.

"I don't know. It depends on what it is." I ran a hand through my long hair as I weighed my options.

"You better not tell a soul, James Potter." I snapped. "You can't tell any of your friends, like that Sirius Black or Remus-"

"I won't tell them." James said hastily.

"Promise?" I ask.

"Promise." James confirmed. I closed my eyes, allowing myself to breathe. Hesitantly, I started my tale. I told James about the dream of my parent's corpses, the death eater that killed them. He didn't interrupt, but watched me unblinkingly, intently. He gripped the arms of his chair tightly as I told him that Severus was the death eater, but besides that he did not react, but watch me with his penetrating gaze. I told him, the words coming faster now, as if ready to gotten rid of, of how Severus turned his wand on me, and uttered the Unforgivable Curse.

"And then I woke up." I finished. "I hadn't realized I had been screaming." James nodded slowly.

"Are you scared of Snape?" He asked quietly.

I wanted so badly to tell him no. Before reciting my story, I had been prepared for this question. I knew that James would think that the dream meant something. I hadn't wanted him to think any less of Severus for some silly little dream I had. But now I knew it wasn't James I had been hiding my dream from.

It had been myself.

I was scared. But I hadn't wanted to admit that, even to myself. I had clung desperately onto hope for Severus, even when there was none.

"No." I said prickly, but my slight hesitation had confirmed what James had asked. James shook his head.

"You're a horrible liar."

"I'm not lying!" I said angrily. "It was a stupid dream, so just forget it." James nodded slowly.

"All right. But don't worry about Severus. He can't harm you here in Hogwarts, not with Dumbledore as headmaster."

"You don't get it!" I said. "I'm not worried about me, I'm worried about everyone else, outside of the school. I'm worried about the other parents You-Know-Who might send Severus out to kill, and the children of those parents, orphaned-" My breathing was ragged now. In anger, I turned to my bedside table, and with one blow from my fist, I crushed the enchanted daisy Severus had left me. Pollen swirled through the air, and the pristine white petals ripped. James watched me demolished the flower, a hint of sadness in his eyes.

"That's why you had me cover up for you when Snape came. You can't face him now that you think you know what he'll become." It wasn't a question, it was a statement, which I was glad for. I didn't feel like talking anymore. I put my head in my hands, allowing my flaming red hair to curtain me off from the world. The scent of lavender comforted me somewhat.

"You won't tell anyone?" I mumbled.

"I told you I wouldn't." James replied.

"Why?" I asked, tossing my hair back, and looking straight into his hazel eyes. Why wasn't he going to tell anyone. Why wasn't he parading around the school, the Golden Gryffindor boy? He could tell the school that he, James Potter, was sharing secrets with Lily, Lily Evans. Everyone would laugh and adore him, because he was the Gryffindor Quidditch captain and seeker, the leader of the Marauders, Head Boy, and he got amazing grades. The whole school loved him, so why was he paying attention to me? At first, it made sense. I was the brightest witch in every one of my years at Hogwarts, earning 'Outstanding' in almost every class. I had been, I'll admit, one of the prettiest witches too. It had made sense for James to pursue me. But when I returned to Hogwarts this year, I was a shell of my former self. All of the life I had seemed to be taken away with the spell that killed my parents. I had gone around like a zombie. I was no longer popular, only Alice and Sophia had stuck by me during my rough time. But why James? Ever since the fifth year he hadn't asked me out or taunted me, but it was more than that. He was standing up for me, genuinely caring about me. Golden Gryffindor boy was thinking about Lily Evans. It wasn't new, but yet, somehow it was. I looked up at him, waiting for an answer. James seemed to he thinking, but his face was unreadable.

"Because." He said simply. He rose out of the chair, looking down at me again.

"You never let me tell you." He said serenely. "I'm sorry about your parents."

And then he left.

* * *

I spent two more nights in the Hospitial Wing, under Madam Pomfrey's constant attention. I had to take a nourishing concoction three times a day plus meals, and I started feeling better than before. You could still count my ribs, and my hip bones poke out like a skeleton's, but I wasn't lightheaded, and was able to focus more. The one problem was sleeping. Dark circles still haunted under my eyes. I couldn't allow myself to fall asleep, for fear the dream would come back. What if I started screaming in the Hospitial Wing? I lay awake at night, my arm bruised from the many pinches I gave myself to keep from falling asleep. The homework I was given I did quickly, and thankfully. It took my mind off of more serious questions.

Like James, for instance.

He was different. He didn't gloat at me, or smirk every time I walked passed. When I had heard Dumbledore had made James the Head Boy, I thought Dumbledore had made a mistake.

Now I wasn't so sure. I wasn't sure about anything that included James anymore. It seemed like my whole world had turned upside down. Severus Snape, the one constant friend in my life, goes to the dark side. James Potter, an arrogant toerag that has humiliated me ever since we first met on the Hogwarts Express, is now caring. I laughed when I thought this, in spite of myself. Everything was so wrong. But that was the way it was.

I left the Hospitial Wing after my third morning there. My hair was washed and brushed, my clothes were pressed and trim, though they still hung on me like a scarecrow. But despite all of this, I was still a zombie. Sleep threatened to overwhelm me during the classes. I had several accidents, like falling asleep in Divination and almost drowning myself in a cup of tea, if Alice hadn't woken me up. The same thing happened in History of Magic, but I don't think anyone noticed. They were all asleep as well. Finally, after a quick dinner in the Great Hall (Alice and Sophia weren't pleased to see me reject most of the food, only taking a handful of crackers and a Nourishing Concoction.), I hurried back to the Head's dormitories. James was there, sitting on a armchair in front of the fire, a textbook propped on his lap. He looked at me when I went by, and I was surprised when I blushed, and looked away. Had I just blushed at James Potter? It was no time to think about my odd behavior. I went into my room and collapsed on the four poster, too exhausted to change, but falling asleep instantly.

* * *

Severus advanced, the skull mask he wore grinning in the flickering light. I tried to flee, but I was rooted to the spot.

"DON'T KILL ME! SEVERUS, DON'T KILL ME! WE WERE FRIENDS, SEVERUS! COME BACK TO ME! COME BACK TO ME!"

"Lily! Lily, it's okay! Wake up, Lily! You're fine, Lily! You're in your bedroom, you're dreaming-"

"HE'S KILLING ME!" There were screams, tortured, horrible screams.

"Lily! You're all right! Wake up! Oh, blast it- Confringo!" There was a quake, but that was all. The screaming continued, mangled and filled with unexplainable emotion.

"Confringo! Confringo!" The voice uttering the spell sounded desperate, scared. "Lily Evans?"

"DON'T KILL THEM, DON'T GO NEAR THEM-"

"He's not killing your parents, Lily! Your parents died this summer!" More screams. "Confringo! I'm coming, Lily! I need to get into her room, please!" It almost sounded as if he was talking to the door. After a pause, the door creaked opened reluctantly. There was a flurry of movement, then-

My eyes snapped open as I felt something take me by the shoulders and shake me. I gasped, my throat burning. James was standing over me, his hazel eyes wide with shock. He let go of me, and I doubled over, coughing. It felt like a feral beast had slashed the inside of my throat. When I was able to get my breath back, I sunk back down onto the bed, my hair splaying out. I was dizzy for want of sleep, and had an odd feeling that I was not fully awake. I looked back at James. His black untidy hair falling into his face as he looked down at me. His face looked ghostly in the dim light, and his glasses were on crooked, as though put on hastily.

"You were yelling at Snape this time." James told me. "You were begging him not to kill your parents."

"They're dead." I said, staring up at the ceiling.

"Yes." James agreed gently.

"I was yelling at Snape?"

"You were. You said that he was killing you too-" I shuddered, and James stopped.

"What are you going to do?" He asked me.

"What can I do, James?" I asked wearily. "I can't seem to rid myself of these dreams." I sat up, trying to grasp a hold on the situation.

"Have you told Alice and Sophia?"

"No. You're the only one I've told. And it's going to stay that way." James didn't argue, but hung his head in thought.

"How did you get in here?" I asked suddenly. "I thought the rooms were enchanted so they wouldn't allow anyone of the opposite gender of their inhabitants to enter. A few boys tried to get into the girls dormitories once, and the staircase turned into a slide."

"I'm not sure." James admitted. "It wouldn't let me through, at first. But then I asked."

"You what?" I asked, bemused.

"I asked it to let me in, and it did." A soft smile came over James's face. "Help will always be given at Hogwarts for those who ask for it."

"What?"

"Something Professor Dumbledore told me once." James said softly, almost to himself. "I better get back to bed. Do you think you'll be okay?"

"Yeah." I said. "Thanks for waking me up." James nodded, and left, closing the door to my bedroom behind him. As soon as he left, I fell back onto my pillows, waiting for sleep to claim me once more.

It never did.

* * *

The next morning I was one of the first ones in the Great Hall. The circles under my eyes quivered for want of sleep, and I felt sick to my stomach. Sitting down at the Gryffindor table, I looked around. Along the table were rows and rows of toast with marmalade, scrambled eggs, and bacon, browned to perfection. Moving my plate aside, I put my head on the table and sighed. All right I had stayed awake, thinking of my dead parents. My mom, with her round face and cheerful demeanor, my dad with his angular features and proud smile every time he looked at me. The Christmas holidays were right around the corner. I would stay at Hogwarts during the holidays. I vaguely wondered if my relatives had came to a decision about who would take me in for the summer. Petunia wouldn't, she was away with her muggle husband, in a life completely devoid of magic. There was no room for orphaned little sisters in Petunia's perfect world. My grandparents had died when I was little. I had no one.

"Evans?" I looked up into the nervous face the Gryffindor prefect, Fabian Prewett. "Professor McGonagall sent me to get you." He told me. "She wants you in her office right away."

"Did she say why?" I asked, confused. Had I forgotten to turn in my Transfiguration essay?

"Nope." Prewett said, with a shake of his head.

"Okay. Thanks." I stood, and quickly ran out of the Great Hall.

* * *

When five minutes later I knocked on McGonagall's door, her crisp voice called out:

"Enter." With some hesitiation, I turned the brass door knob. Professor McGonagall was sitting behind her desk, quill in hand and writing quickly on a piece of parchment.

"Sit down." She said tartly, not looking up. I walked over to a scarlett armchair opposite McGongall and sunk down into its depths. On the wall, a grandfather clock was perched next to an overflowing bookshelf. Several copies of Transfiguration Today were neatly piled in the corner, and a delicate needlework kit was seated on a stool to the side.

"Pepper imp?" McGonagall offered, looking up from her letter to stare at me over her glasses.

"No thank you." I said politely, trying to free myself from the armchair's grasp. McGonagall finally set the quill down, and rolled up the parchment she had been writing on.

"I trust you are well, Miss Evans?" She asked as she stood, parchment in hand, and walked over to a birdcage, which housed a magnificent tawny barn owl. Carefully, McGonagall tied the parchment to the owl's leg with a bit of twine. Then, leading the owl to an arched window, the owl took off, it's powerful wings pumping through the air. McGonagall turned back to me. "You've been looking a bit ill lately, Miss Evans." She sat back behind desk, and laced her fingers together, staring at me pointedly. I didn't know how to respond, so I just returned her gaze. McGonagall's eyes softened.

"My dear, you have the most enchanting eyes. If only those dark circles did not line them. Mr. Potter has just been up to see me." She started heavily, her tone gentle, more gentle than I had ever heard her before.

"He said you've been having trouble sleeping. He said that you've been haunted by nightmares of when you watched your parents being murdered." My throat constricted.

"He said that?" I asked weakly.

"Quite. I assume this is true, then?" McGonagall asked. I was lost for words. James had promised that he would never tell anyone-

"Is it also true you've been screaming in your sleep?" I flushed, utterly humiliated. Professor McGonagall seemed to have noticed my reaction.

"This is nothing to be embarrassed about, Miss Evans." McGonagall said, not unkindly. "Considering the trauma that you had during this summer, something like this is only to be expected. I'm sorry about your parents." My hands balled into fists. James had betrayed me.

"Something will have to be done about this, of course." McGonagall continued. "Potions for a dreamless sleep can be provided by the Hospitial Wing, but therapeutic sessions from the trauma might also be in order."

"You- you make me sound as if I've gone mad, Professor!"

"Mad? Of course not, don't be ridiculous. But one should not keep those thoughts bottled up. A Healer from St. Mungo's-"

"St. Mungos?!"

"Will be dispatched immediately. That way you can continue lessons, here at Hogwarts. If you need to be transferred to St. Mungos-"

"Professor, this is ridiculous! St. Mungos? Therapy? I don't need to talk about feelings! I need to go back in time! My parent's death has broken something inside me, Professor, something that can't be fixed." McGonagall stared at me sadly.

"So young, so young." She whispered to herself. "Nevertheless, letting yourself go will not solve the problem. Mr. Potter also said that you were refusing to eat from depression? That you were admitted into the Hospital Wing when you swooned?" My mouth hung loosely. Had James told Professor McGonagall everything? Rage at James boiled inside of me. He had promised not to tell anyone. He had lied to me. I stood up hastily.

"Professor, I quit being the Head Girl."

"You what?" McGonagall asked, rising also.

"I quit. I don't want to be the Head Girl anymore." With quivering fingers, I undid the shiny 'Head Girl' badge, and handed to McGonagall.

"You can't just resign, Miss Evans! What about your duties to your House?"

"I don't care!"

"Miss Evans. . .!" I placed the badge on the desk, and headed for the door.

"You're not dismissed yet. . . where are you going, girl?" Asked a confused McGonagall, leaning over the desk.

"I'm going to go find Potter, Professor!" I spat murderously.

* * *

I stormed into the Gryffindor common room, my face heated the same colour as my flaming red hair. I was livid, my hands curling into talons, as if to strangle the neck of one lying, deceitful-

"You!" I thundered as I caught sight of James in a chair next to the roaring fire. He looked up calmly from his Divination textbook. Sirius, Remus, and Peter, who were also crowded around the fire, looked up at me in surprise.

"Uh-oh Prongs." Sirius said jokingly, elbowing James in the ribs. "I haven't seen Evans this riled up in a while. Did you start flirting with her again?"

"Shut up, Black!" I seethed. Sirius looked up at me in astonishment. Remus sat up, setting aside the parchment roll he had been writing on.

"You don't have to take it out on me." Sirius pouted.

"Shut up!" I spat. "Potter!" James looked up at me, looking nervous.

"Lily-"

"Don't you Lily me!" I shouted. "I trusted you! And you went and-ARGH!" I grabbed the closest thing I could find- a telescope from Astrology- and threw it at James with all my might. James leaped out of his chair, hitting the ground just in time for the telescope to sail over his head. Peter squeaked at the telescope landed at his feet, the glass from the lenses shattering.

"Lily!" Remus stammered, looking at me incredulously. I had quarreled many a time with James in the past, but never had I been as angry as I was now. The whole common room had gone quiet. I didn't care though. I was so angry it hurt... I could imagine James playing me the whole time, gloating over his triumph over poor Lily Evans, orphaned and alone and pathetic- James had scrambled to his feet, looking shaken. Looking at him, I felt myself trembling with rage. Sirius looked on, his mouth gaping open. I advanced on James, forgetting about magic and reason. I only wanted him to hurt as much as he hurt me. I took up the next thing my hand found- a sneakoscope- and hurled it at James. He dodged again, taking out his out his wand. He looked back at me, his eyes wide with shock. I felt murderous.

"You egocentric" I threw a textbook at him, he cast a shield charm and it was deflected easily. I ignored this and kept grabbing random items and throwing them at him, punctuated with an insult. "Lying-" Throw. "Bigheaded-" Throw. "Idiotic!" Throw. "Self-centered-" Throw. "Arrogant toerag! How could you?!" My voice was breaking, but I ignored it. James had not been hit by any of the missiles due to his effective shield charm, but the look of his face was satisfactory all the same. Remus, Peter, and Sirius were all cowering behind a couch, watching the scene with eyes wide. The rest of the people in the common room were doing much of the same, some running into their dormitories for sanctuary.

"I was only trying to do what was best for you." James said meekly.

"You don't get to decide what's best for me, Potter!" I spat. All the anger I had bottled up was roaring inside of me, pounding in my ears. "I trusted you! You promised you wouldn't tell anyone! But you were just- USING me! You're sick!"

"How did I use you?" James asked, miffed.

"You pretended to be kind. I thought you were different. I decided maybe, just maybe I could trust you. But you were just trying to get close to me so you could humiliate me! You ALWAYS humiliate me! There was a while where I thought- I thought. . ." There was a slight pause, when I struggled for words to describe my feelings I had when I had blushed at him, when I thought he was there for me. . . I hastily put that thought out of my mind. "There was a while when I thought you were different. That you cared. I was an idiot!" I kicked the armchair, so blinded by anger that I didn't even feel the pain.

"I do care, Lily!" James said desperately.

"You don't get to use my first name, Potter!" I fumed. "You ruined everything. Ever since the first year you've gone out of your way to embarrass me, and then Severus- do you know what you've done? We were friends since I was about seven. Petunia hated me, but Severus was always there for me. He was like a brother. I could count on him. But you came into the picture-"

"Severus chose his own path." James said. "You said so yourself."

"I was trying to be nice!" I fumed. "You want the truth, Potter? You drove him to the Dark Arts. Trying to humiliate him, to drive him away so you could pursue me- you made him what he is today. In your own selfishness, you never saw that you were hurting others." James had blanched as I spoke.

"No. . . you can't mean that."

"You know its true." I spat. James looked unsettled.

"You've said enough, Lily." Remus said gently from his place behind the couch.

"I haven't said enough until he hurts like he's made me hurt!" I yelled, my voice echoing. "He lied to me. You promised, Potter!"

"I'm so sorry, Lily-"

"EVANS!" I said, my voice growing hoarse. I stamped my foot angrily. "You were the last person, Potter. My sister, Severus, and my parents are all gone. I thought I could rely on you. But I can't rely on anyone!" My fists shook, and hot tears blurred my vision.

"I HATE YOU!" I screamed, frustration and rage pouring out. Suddenly James was there, right in front of me. His eyes, always so unreadable to me, were brimming with emotion: self-disgust, pain, anger, guilt, sadness, resentment- the list went on and on. We were face to face. His hands were grabbing my arms, almost beseechingly. He was so close. . .

Fury grabbed me in an instant, and I slapped James Potter across the face.

James stepped back, massaging his jaw. All three of his friends stood suddenly, wands in hand.

"You've gone too far, Lily." Sirius growled.

"No." James said, wincing. "I deserved that." More angry tears were split as I stared at James. He was looking at me different now, like he had never quite seen me before.

"Come on." Said a soft voice in my ear. Small hands steered me away from the wrecked common room, from James. Two pairs of arms led me up the staircase to the girl's dormitories.

"We're sorry, Lily." Alice whispered soothingly, brushing a lock of my hair out of my face.

We know it's been hard." Sophia said quietly. We sat together on Sophia's bed, my two friends on either side of me. I was still crying, but it was different now. The tsunami of anger had left me drained. Sophia's hand was on my shoulder, letting me know she was there.

"I- I don't deserve friends like you." I hiccuped a few moments later.

"That's silly."

"You're the best friends a girl could ever have." I said hollowly. Alice patted my lap.

"We love you too, Lily."


End file.
